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March 29, 2009, 3/29/2009

Though I'm exhausted to the point where i can't talk ,

Though my tears blur my vision ,

I'll still smile infront of my love that i'm unable to get D:

Wow , i think my english is improving .

You think so ?

Deep in my heart , I'm suffering , knowing that I've lost you .

On the outside , I'm living , pretending that I've forgotten you .

Notice that ?

A smile on my face hides my true emotions / feelings .

Hmmm , rainiy day .

No one asking me not to scared of the lightnings .

I miss those messages , I miss you being there .

I miss the times whereby I know that someone is always there for me .

I miss ... you .

Words to self ;

( Not a must to read yeah , peep if you want , Uhhh ~ )

Don't ever give up if you still want to try ,

don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry .

Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know .

Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go .

You gave up yet ? Are we being given a second chance ?

You think we can ? We could ?

If every dream I have is of you ; I would want to sleep forever .

March 27, 2009, 3/27/2009

Why do you love to make me feel , that home is just a place I sleep ?

Forget it ... I don't want too try hard .

I just need another place .

& That place , will never be a place called home .

No matter what i do , or how good i did ,

Is never good in your eyes .

Take it as you dont have a daughter called RENGIE .

Because you still have GILLIAN , who is gifted . Who is good at everything !

You still have BENDY who always listens to you & he is the best in your eyes .

RENGIE IS NOTHING .

I have been trying to improve my relationship with you .

But you're always twisting my words !

What else do you want me to do ?

There's nothing i can do !

After so many years , i tried to accept you as my mum .

But i guess , i shall thank you for looking after me for 14years .

I think that i never belong to this family .

Yes , i'm rebelious .

I'M LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME INTO IT !

How i wish i can be carefree , a happy teenager .

I should be enjoying life right now !

Everytime you & daddy fight , out of 10 times , 7times is because of me .

Yah yah , everytime it's my fault .

Are you happy now ?

You dont bother to ask me how am i coping with me school works ,

My cca , my emotions , my feelings .

Perhaps , i'm not important in your eyes .

I know , what you've done is for my own good .

That makes me a good pianist now . I'm contented !

Everytime i get my exam result for both practical & theory ,

I scored MERIT !

& you'll say that's not what you want ..

& When i told you that i wanna stop playing the piano ,

You said that it was good ! You said that i'll fail . You said that you could save it for Gill .

I swear , if you werent my mum , i'd have slapped you .

You said that i'm useless for scoring a damn 187 for PSLE ,

When Gill scored 287 which is 100points more than me !

Okay , i'm fine with it .

What about last year ? When daddy tells you that i'm being transfered to EXP .

You said that it is none of your business .

You wont attend any of my PTC .

You wont sign my exam papers .

YOU JUST DONT SEEMS TO CARE EVERYTHING WHICH IS RELATED TO ME .

Whatever ~ I just take it as i have got no mother .

My dad is always busy . Gillian seldom comes to woodlands .

Now that she's here , im definitely spending more times with her .

Seriously , im just like a mute at home .

Imagine .

What will happen if Gillian had to leave me for whatever reasons ,

WHAT WILL I BECOME ?

He left .

I wonder if we could still become close friends .

It seems to be impossible now .

& How i wish that i could be smiling everyday before i leave ..

I wanna tell him all my problems .

I feel comfortable when telling him my problems .

But , he dont care anymore .

, 3/27/2009

Suddenly , i sensed that no mattr how hard i try , i'll never get a second chance .

Is it a mistake for me to respect your decision ?

Or i thought that i'll be given another chance ?

I trust this R_L_T_O_S_H_I_ too much , perhaps .

You shall be free .

8more months to go .

Hang in there .

March 26, 2009, 3/26/2009

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Losing Someone You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!
Being Alone
Looked down on
Disappointment
Where Your life is Going
Commitment
Death

So ... True ):

March 25, 2009, 3/25/2009

Because we used to be this close .

Used to have endless topics and endless tomorrow .

Used to be everything we're not .

If I said I care do you believe ?

If I said I don't want things to end up this way do you believe?

It's what you believe that give you the answer.

Can't believe this lingers on my thought ever since then .

It's hard to pretend .

And please don't tell me that you have never came across this thought before ,

It will be more hurting to hear that .

I kept it in my heart .

Did you even bother ?

Well , i doubt so . I used to believe that you still cares .

But whenever i thought of it out of a sudden ,

I'm like making myself feeling more confusing ):

Glad that you talked to me today (:

Though we didnt communicate through face ,

Atleast there's still some way of communication between us :D

& Yeah , SYAFEI , why do you guys love to stand behind me so much ?!

LOLOLOL .

Stop changing place can ?

I dont care . You must be behind me !

=.=

March 24, 2009, 3/24/2009

I miss you .

Too bad , you love me no more .

Have been sleeping at 2am lately ):

I think i need to have a good sleep some day ~

I used to have you supporting me whenever i'm falling ):

Oh , but i cant rely on you anymore ~

March 23, 2009, 3/23/2009

感谢那是你
牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

我知道被疼是一种运气

我从来没爱到那么认真

你确定你就这样放手了吗？

I still cant let go ):

March 22, 2009, 3/22/2009

I've learnt quite alot .

& I think that it is something that people around me

have yet to learn & i my thoughts changed .

Unbelievable right ?

Just because it didnt last forever ,

doesnt mean it wasnt worth your while .

So matter what , i'll only give my last shot

Till i know it is really hopeless .

& When finally i get an answer that is really convincing .

Dont regret something that once made you smile .

Though i regretted falling for _ _ _ ,

Because , after we've parted , we hardly talk ,

We had a hard time facing each other ,

& i have a hard time covering up everything using a smile .

But i felt contented upon thinking what what we've been through

& Stuff . But the memories left behind are sweet (:

love starts with a feeling , not by choice

love ends with a choice , not by feeling .

Hmmm , if the feeling is still there , will love start again ?

Please , a kind soul .

Clarify my doubt for me . ):

It must have been love . But it's over now.

But it is not worth it to just end it like this ...

Because , after so much , it wouldnt be as easy as A , B , C

To forget or not to give a damn about it >.<

It takes two hands to clap.

& I'm waiting for my other hand to clap with me .

It only hurts when you start pretending it doesn't .

I'm dying to know ...

Those nights when you just can't seem to fall asleep ;

It's because you're awake in someone else's dreams .

Am I ?

Do i mean something to you , still ?

Will you turn back & take a look at me ?

I'll not give up & I never will give up .

Because i know , the wait is worth while .

March 21, 2009, 3/21/2009

& I realised that life wasnt good without you ):

Not at all .

I've started to update a diary .

Who'd discovered that big secret ?

So what , no big deal huh ?

Yeah , i know i know .

Sometimes, no matter what you do ,

it can end up benefiting someone

as well as having an adverse affect on someone else .

In this case , keep in mind that you can’t please everyone .

I feel so smart after typing that paragraph out .

But please , bear that in mind .

Well , it serves as a reminder to myself too .

Ya right . Open your eyes and see .

Who's the one Who've changed ?

Think twice before you speak , mofo .

Because i'm now insignificant to you ,

It doesnt mean that you can treat me as nothing !

It doesnt mean that you can pull me down & make me feel useless !

I'M STILL ALIVE . & I HAVE FEELINGS !

It is just so damn hard to know what's in your mind .

After so long , I realised that you're still very very very very very IMPT ..

TO ME .

Hmmm , is the _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ gonna end like this ? D:

Before i go , i really got a confession to make .

I think i love _ _ _ _ & GAARA ):

I may not be able to get _ _ _ _ D':

& i 100% wont be able to get GAARA because ..............

He's just a character in an anime ):

Sigh ...

RENGIE LOVES _ _ _ _ !

March 19, 2009, 3/19/2009

Give me a tight slap on my face & wake me up !

Damn . This feeling is no good . No good !
Well , i guess at this point of time , no one gets the chance .
SORRY .

Go ahead and hate me or what so ever .
Because you guys deserve some other people who are much better than I am .
I'm serious .
Don't waste your time on me . Keep moving forward !

If it is so hard to know how you're feeling
& What you're thinking ,
It is even harder for me to face you whenever i see you .

I was so close . But i feel so faraway .

Hey , i swear .
I will never let any boy to choose a movie to watch .
Because boys just simply cant make a wise choice .
At first , it was PUSH .
Next , it was DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION .
CRAP ISNT IT ?
Atleast Dragonball Evolution makes some sense !
Luckily , i do not have to pay for the two movies .
Or i'll really feel my heart aching !

Bang onto Sebastian & Jakeh just now .
Sebas is wearing Black & White stripes top while Jakeh is wearing grey .
Black+White=Grey .
CUTE RIGHT ?!

March 17, 2009, 3/17/2009

It was so good at first . But why the tears ?

Ya ya , whatever .

If both sides changes , then what's the point ?

DAMN .

I just wanna dig out that freaking mind of yours

& see what shit is in it .

It seems like everything that is going on , is my fault .

Perhaps , without me , things would be better

And you will be much much more happier .

Dont worry , i'll go before you do .

Save your smiles and laughter for later on .

You heard me ?

SAVE IT .

Dont bother showing to me now .

I dont wanna see them either .

Not even you .

HATRED .

Hey , i'm not trying to be stereotype here .

But i'm serious .

Guys cannot be relyed on .

Because , things will really get out of controlled .

Just like you , cold blooded creature .

Go ahead and show me that you dont care .

Because i know , you're struggling in the inside .

Go ahead !

Are you shocked ?

Well , i guess so . You forced me into this .

& I'm here not to see you

But to prove to myself that i CAN !

You get this clear .

I want to put a fullstop to everything .

I think that we need to have a good talk over this .

I want to know if i really look stupid in your eyes .

Whatever it is , i dont wish to be bothered , cared anymore .

Because i lied to myself everytime i felt low .

I think positively .

Too positive ?

Now, it is time to think the bad way ; negative .

I just want the hatred to go away .

ANY PROBLEM WITH THAT ?

I'm not asking you . Shut up .

If you say that we're friends ,

THEN ,

WHY AM I BEINGTREATED DIFFERENTLT ?!

SCREW YOU !

I'm tired of being cheated .

I'm tired of being lied .

If you know , that at first , this will happen ,

then what for making the ~~forever promise~~ ?

I dont mind giving _ _ _ another chance .

But the decision still lies on _ _ _ .

Faith for love ?

SURE .

Prove it to me next time , cold blooded creature !

March 16, 2009, 3/16/2009

CRAP .

BUT WHY ME ?!

Why must problems line up one after another ?

CAN I HAVE A BREAK ?!

Can't i just be happy for a day ?!

JUST 24HOURS ! Will it kill ? Effing big fat NO !

Then why am I treated this way ?

This world is never fair .

Why can't i just be someone carefree ?

Too much ... Too much for me to hold ......

Yeaps . I was happy for a momment today .

VERY !

Because being with THEM just make me feel as though nothing is troubling me .

I feel like myself (:

Though we smelled like chao daS after leaving Seoul Garden ,

Though the movie we watched is damn BORING ,

I seriously don't mind at all .

6hours , i was with them for 6hours .

I was carefree , i was happy , i was elated & contented .

Can i be like this for a day ? 24hours ...

Is it that hard ?

Why is it that when ever i'm trying to stand up straight ,

SOMETHING HARD WILL PUSH ME DOWN ?!

Rengie , you're so useless .

Sighhhhhhh ,

Should i go for School tmr ? Pool with YanRun and Eve ?

Movie with Junhan and peeps ?

Those who really seems to be insignificant to me are those

who really cares for me just when i needed _ _ _ most .

Why is this happening ?

They're just like the pillars around me to support me ,

and not to make me fall .

But I myself can't stand up straight ....

If only you're RENGIE , then you know how i'm feeling .

Because , i don't want to further disappoint anyone else .

I wanna show _ _ _ that i'm no longer weak .

The rest is all up to you , my love is always there .

Turning back or moving forward ?

I don't know .

March 15, 2009, 3/15/2009

Pardon me if i sounded emo .

My result is a bullshit .
5 As so what ? Then what is the _ _ doing there ?

I'm giving myself another chance
Fel , i'm staying .
Are you smiling ?

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.... Do you know how disappointed I felt today ?
Do you know how much this feeling sucks ?
Do you know I've been crying for it for days ?

I'm feeling really tired .

I can hardly feel myself .

Why doesn't anyone understand how I feel ?
I can't take it anymore , everything inside is falling .

My heart is breaking like nobody's business.

And yet , I still steal a glance at you hoping to see our eyes meet .
Perhaps i'm growing .
I have yet to learned lots of things .
You made me learn quite a number of things .

From you , i learn how to be contented with what i have .
I learnt that i'm never alone .
I learnt that i have a shoulder to lean on whenever i needs it .

At the same time , i learnt that i was so useless .
I cannot even do something properly .
I cant take care of myself .
I was so childish .

Perhaps , i should not talk till i have to .
- SILENCE .

I was so close . This close .
But i feel so far .. so far away .
GONE . It is GONE .

I'm wondering . If _ _ _ will b back ):

A stupid / dumb / idiotic person like me ,
Still thinks that love will lead _ _ _ back to me someday .

Do i look like a fool to you now ?
Oh , yes , of course i do .
I always do .

I don't feel myself when I laughed .

No , i won't give up & i won't breakdown .

I'm just tired . I need to rest .

Please , leave me alone .

March 12, 2009, 3/12/2009

Because 我觉得我不该放弃。

所以，爱，我想继续等下去。

接下来的日子，希望是好过的。

结局是怎样我并不知道。

但我只知道如果我现在选择放弃的话我并不会快乐。

我想我也会后悔吧。所以呢，祝我好运咯。

怎么办?

Suddenly , i feel so scared .

Thinking back of the past , i smiled . (:

Oh , how i missed them . ):

Do you ? Well , i wish to know .

xoxo , (:

To be happy everyday . I still remember . (:

March 10, 2009, 3/10/2009

How nice can RENGIE's footprint be ?

Well , today was oh-so-whatever .

Well , i've gotta be strong .

JIAYOU !

Thus , i didnt concentrate in class .

Sigh , whatever .

Ran 2.4 for badminton today because of the teachers pets .

They occupied the hall and therefore , we had to leave .

I ran half way and THERE was really painful .

I'm so damn scare that it will bleed ):

The scar was just a tiny little thing there .

& The scar will be gone once the stiches are being taken off .

Went to the hall . Badminton-ed with JW .

He damn funny lah .

Cause i was like damn dulan that time

then i smash smash and smash almost all of his balls .

Then he shoo shoo and shoo .

Okay , he damn noob lah !

CANNOT DEFEND MEH ? STAND THERE LET ME HIT .

STUPID . NO BRAIN .

Peh didnt come lah ! Wahlau , if not i comfirm say out everything one lor

CCB .

Peh , next time jsut come leh !

PIANG .

Who saw my crying when i was at the piano ?

I broke another promise ........

I promied myself never to touch it again ... ):

But , rengie , im so sorry , i have got no choice ...

Please forgive me .....

Why is his image bing flashed into my mind ...

Well , blame the love song . ):

March 09, 2009, 3/09/2009

What if i say i'm still waiting ?

No matter how hard i try not to think ,

I will still thought of him .

I know , it takes time . But , how long ? 6months ? 1years ?

1 and a half years ? 2years ?

Please , it's not his fault . It's mine .

怪我太相信。

怪我拿得起，放不下。

怪我爱太多。

怪我想太多。

怪我相信那个人是他。

怪我把线放得太松。

怪我把线拉断。

怪我败给了爱。

But why do i still think about you ?

You people wont know how i feel .

Please , stop it . The feeling sucks . It is damn painful ...

This time round , i didnt get a 'THANKS'

What is going to be the next ?

I glance through my MSN chat logs ):

First & last ? Treaure ? Last forever ?

Sigh ,

到了最后，不要我的人是你。

Why did i just shed tears for such things .

Rengie , you're so stupid .

March 08, 2009, 3/08/2009

Because of what had taken place on 16thjan ,

i realised that i coudnt concentrade on whatever shit that i'm doing .

This feeling sucks .

No one will ever want to experience it .

I guess i woudnt get my menstration AGAIN this month ,

I have a feeling that i wont come .

I ran out of house in the late afternoon .

So what ? Who cares ?

Nobody was at home . They dont even bother to tell me where they are .

Well , it is okay with me .

Just dont come back .

You know i hate it , then why are you doing this ?

Well , 8more days from now , i'll be alone for 2months . How cool .

2months is going by just in a blink of an eye .

So , what did i do in the pass 2 months ?

Well , nobody will want to know .

Last year left me with good memories . Seriously .

How i wish that i could die of P******** .

Why on Earth did i recover .

Why on Earth did i listen to THEM to go for the OP .

Why on Earth must i go through all the pain ALL BY MYSELF .

Why on Earth is the such person called RENGIE NG .

I'm tired .

Can tmr be the end of all the pains ?

- No .

Can tmr be a better day ?

- No .

Can RENGIE learn how to take care of herself ?

- You know how is it like when RENGIE is at work right ?

Well , MY FOOT .

I baked cookies today .

Yes , i didnt want to ):

But still , i did . I guess , i get carried away and i wasnt concentrating .

My left midle finger have an effing big blisters .

Why must I put YOU in the first position when i know ,

that all my efforts will go down the drain ?

YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO DUMB , SO USELESS .

What ever it is , i'll follow what my heart says .

But my heart doesnt want to get rid of you . DAMN ASS .

不要对我太好. 你听到了吗?

Well , i doubt that that person will see .

As if that person will come in to check this page out once in a while .

Well , even if he does , AS IF HE'LL GIVE IT A DAMN

Cause i'm not even like a friend to him ANYMORE .

Well , if he really feels this way , so be it .

I cant change anything .

March 07, 2009, 3/07/2009

Guys , sorry , I promised to be there ..

But i absent myself ): Sorry Yen , Sorry sorry ! ):

Yen , please do not feel bad on what had taken place the night before you left .

You've tried your best (:

Seriously , i think that it can't be helped either .

I think that i should be the one appologising for wasting your time ):

But but but Yen !

While enjoying your vacation , do take care yah .

Your sister is coming out soon ! (:

Love ya' !

逃避并不是解决问题的最好方法。

Well , chatted over the phone for hours with Fel .

Fel ah Fel , Aquarians like fated to be treated this way one norh -.-

CHICKEN-ED .

Then , i realised that i'm a failure .

I failed to provide you with the best .

I failed to be understanding .

I failed to do everything .

I failed to cheer you up when you're sad .

I failed to love you .

That's why to you , i'm not fit to get anything i want .

I had never love someone like this before .

I had never cried for a guy before .

I had never cared so much about a guy before .

I had never thought of this would happen before .

I had never been so happy for almost everyday before .

I had never ever wanted to go to school that much before .

I had never ever love to have fun in class before .

I had never felt loved before .

Perhaps to you , without me , it's nothing .

X'XX XXXX . No matter what it takes .

Once the XXXXXXX is not there anymore ,

It is not going to happen .

I'm just like so far away from you .

I stood far away from you , and i really wondered ...

If ....................................................................................................................................

我的眼泪，何时才会干？):

我只要你。我只要你让我开心。任何人都不会做得比你更好。

March 05, 2009, 3/05/2009

I dont want to let you go

And i dont want to lose you slowly

I just want to let you know

That it's only just a little back and forth lately
Ill be waiting for it again .

Note ; i didnt state what im waiting for .

Dont blind guess .

Be patient , scroll down .

I guess i was really pissed off yesterday

Well , i hope that i can put a fullstop to it

Yeaps .

I hope .

I hope & I hope .

Well , the big hands on top belongs to me .

So , well , I have discard a word "FOREVER" in my dictionary .

I hope , on 1 fine day .

I will be able to add te word back into my dictionary again .

除非是某某人，我再也不渴望爱情。

I may sounded stupid .

But from THAT day on , i always believe that .

他，就是某某人。

Well , dont blind guess again .

I didnt state who it is .

珍惜你身边的最爱。

不要等到失去了才发现自己不能没有他。

为了让他开心，我决定尊重他的决定。

我想，我最贴心的一面，

就是让我爱的人选结束的方式。

March 04, 2009, 3/04/2009

FCUK LAH HOR !

I SAW THAT 21.** ! Which is like 1 min ago ?!

FCUK LAH .

LIE LIE LIE !

IS LYING ALL THAT YOU CAN DO !?

CCB !

DOES SAYING THE TRUTH KILLS ?!

NO RIGHT ?!

DONT WANT *A** THEN SAY LAH !

CCB .

NEED TO DO UNTIL LIDDAT ONE MEH !?

March 03, 2009, 3/03/2009

Suddenly , i have the urge to leave .

Stupid ? Wasted ?

I dont know .

I cant think properly now . I dont even know what i need .

What is right ? What is wrong ? I dont know .

I enjoyed every single day of my sec1 life .

But now , i dont even think that i can pass my sec2 .

SERIOUSLY , I CANT !

I really feel like shouting out !#$%^&*(@) all in a roll , okay !

Is this called stress ?

Or what ?

I was once going through a period of Physical Breakdown .

Well , it wasnt that bad .

But now ,

IT'S EMOTIONALLY BREAKDOWN .

You understand ?!

Well , i dont think so .

I'm tired of living life like this .

Can i just Shut my eyes & never have the ability to open them .

Mr . Sebastian Peh !

This is for you .

SORRY ! SORRY ! SORRY !

March 02, 2009, 3/02/2009

Meldy , Steffi , Rengie , Evelyn , Angela , Yen :D

Meldy , Rengie & Angela :D

Yen & Ren :D

Renren have got super nice penmanship right ? :D

Well , I heard from HER that you a feeling envious / jealous or whatever .

But please , I dont get things on my way .

I dont get what i want .

I dont like the way i am .

I dont like how THEY treats me .

I felt loved for once .

& I thought it'll be a lasting one .

But well , i'm still not getting over it .

Because i guess this is the first time i really love someone

& It may also be the last time / last person .

So , i know that you always likes to call him "PIGGY"

Infront of me . Now that i know that you're trying to show off your unhappiness .

Fine . If that's what you want , go ahead .

I know you like talk about the 2boys who is crushing on you .

& You love to ask me who is coming after me .

But please , dont compare about this .

Because , i believe that he might be the one & only .

So what ever it is , just dont ever feel envious about it .

What ever it is going to happen in future , is really unpredictable .

I may be living as a singlehood .

Who knows ?

& You think that it is ufair for G & I to be living under a good family condition

while you're living with afather who owes people money

& A mother who is not understanding .

Hey , do you think that i'm happy here ? I'd rather have a swop with you .

I dont feel welcomed . I feel so odd . I feel so left out .

Come on , no one can control what he/she wants !

& You said that i'm better than you in every single thing .

HELLO !

By saying this , shouldnt you be buryin your heads under your books

rather than complaining here ?

I studied last year . I did ! But , i dont have the same interest in me this year .

Come , be better than me in everything !

I doubt you can . Seriously , if complaining is all you can ,

You make me look down on you .

Who says that i'm unwilling to help you when you need help ?

WHO SAYS ?!

Everytime when you come up to me , what did i do ?

You know youself the best .

You're jealous in the inside because all of our friends always talks about me

infront of you . You tried to pull them away 1 by 1 ,

But you failed . Therefore , you begin telling coming up with myths .
Well , i dont mind you saying bad things about me .

I dont mind you not treating me as your sister .

But please , dont stab others at the back especially HERS .

If SHE knows what you're trying to do 1 day ,

I bet , I BET ! You're the only one who suffers in the end .
Stop being to kiddy , stop being so stupid .

PS ; I have been trying to get what i want so much . But i still couldnt get it .

Things dont go on my way .. Get it ? =.=

I want the person who can make me happy , is you .